Well, I ran into him at the bar last night. Forget the part where I knew that this was his favorite bar and he would probably be there, it was completely chance. Turns out that, yeah he had a death in the family, no he’s not interested in me, and apparently I’m really awkward because I didn’t really talk to him all night (I thought he was on a date…), despite the fact that he made no effort to speak to me either. So there it is. Like I said, dating is strange. Were we even dating? I really have no idea. I do know that I’m a little sad he’s not interested, but now I can stop feeling guilty for pseudo-cheating on my pseudo-boyfriend who I can only pseudo-date because he lives on the other side of the country. That sentence made me sound insane, right? Yeah, I know. I think you’ll get over it. I know I did.
Why should almost 2,000 miles (read this) stop me from regularly interacting with someone who really understands me? I think we’ve reached a silent agreement that if ever a time comes in our lives when we may be able to live near each other and there are no other ties, we’ll see whether it works. That we live as far away as we do and have been communicating regularly for a year, care about each other and are able to stay friends when one of us is seeing someone and “lovers” when neither is – is, I believe, healthier than you would think a long distance non-relationship with someone you met on a video game would be. Have I mentioned I know that most of this is just rationalizing? Because I do. Know that.
And now, I will leave with this. My cat has decided that my cowl neck sweatshirt from Victoria’s secret that I usually wear as a pajama top is an invitation for him to stick his head down my shirt.
When I was a freshman in high school, I joined a weekend orchestra program to replace cheerleading after I’d unexpectedly quit three weeks into basketball season. My Saturday mornings became a ritual of waking up earlier than I wanted to and riding to Poughkeepsie in the passenger’s seat of my mother’s Winnebago. I’d been placed in the orchestra which housed mostly middle school students, partly because my private teacher was the conductor and partly because I was very behind the well-educated students who had taken private lessons for longer and more consistently than I had, therefore I was seemingly one of the oldest people there.
We rehearsed in the dank basement of an older church, the church where my grandparents were married, and I quickly drew the attention of a boy who was very tall (at least, compared to me) with dark brown hair and bright blue eyes – he looked like one of the “popular” kids. I’d never been hit on before by a boy like that and was very much anorexic at the time. So when he started teasing me about having to pay him a toll to get past him during our break, I gobbled it right up. I was starving to have a boy pay attention to me. This was when I was wearing skirts that were way too short (only 15 inches from waist to hem) and heels that were way too tall and shirts that were too tight and worked their way up my abdomen until my lower back and belly button were showing. I wore makeup almost every day and still bothered to straighten my hair. I just wanted someone, anyone, to pay attention to me.
I don’t remember much about how that romance blossomed, we saw a movie (I don’t remember which), he came to my house once (we made out the entire time while listening to Good Charlotte), and he brought me to a family function at his cousin/aunt/uncle/something’s house near the old train station across the street from the river. I remember standing in the wind, wearing my blue American Girl rain coat/windbreaker (that’s how young I still was; I was wearing American Girl clothes) which was warmer than any coat I own today and which would probably still fit me had I kept it, while he was hanging upside down from a tree. At the time, I felt so grown up, looking back it’s hard to imagine I was ever that young or that innocent.
We were still at the playground, he leaning against a tree while I leaned my body against his, holding hands as we kissed when he started pressuring me to flash him. I’d had a boyfriend before, so this wasn’t exactly the first time I’d been asked to do something I didn’t want to. It just felt so inappropriate to risk some passerby seeing me simply because it was something we couldn’t do in a house where parents were. I think I finally gave in; the first of many times I would waive my comfort at the request of some random boy.
In 2007 I was fortunate enough to be assigned a review of the spoken word performance of Solomon Sparrows Electric Whale Revival (http://www.myspace.com/whalerevival) for my campus newspaper. This performance was perhaps the closest I’ll ever come to understand how religious people probably feel during a particularly significant sermon. Today this post by brownflotsam reminded me of this power and how words, when used truly correctly, can hold so much power and emotion that you’re experiencing them before you even really understand the full meaning of what you’re hearing.
I like words. I like the look and the sound and the texture of them. And I believe they are capable of more truth and communication than most of the human race typically permits them. How are you? Fine thanks, and you? Can’t complain. Well I can, and I do.
Presenting poems that make words do what they are supposed to.
Stayceyann Chin’s vision of who she wants to be sounds like fun. My version is one who can finally dye her hair bright purple (or maybe green) without needing to stew in bleach for six hours. Defy all attempts to be reductionist with reality (and magic). Ride a bike with a trailer and bright flags (and possibly a diamond tipped pointy thing). And cross roads with a brood that knows to look on all sides before…
… is so strange. We agree to meet up with people we hardly know because we think they’re attractive or because they think we’re attractive and then, we either like what we experience or we don’t and act accordingly. Alright, so that doesn’t seem too incredibly strange. The strange part is that sometimes, these people just enter our lives for a week or two and then fall off the face of the Earth (okay, so they probably still exist somewhere, but when someone stops texting, calling, or answering my attempts at communication I would like to pretend they no longer exist).
What’s really bothering me at the moment, though, is that I was seeing someone (and be seeing him I mean that we were doing things like meeting for coffee or milkshakes or calzones and then one or both of us would pay and we’d awkwardly wave good-bye in the parking lot), and I thought it was going well and we were at least becoming friends. A week ago, we made tentative plans for later in the evening which never came to fruition, he apologized for being MIA the next day and I haven’t heard from him since. WHAT IS THAT?!
No, really. Should I be wondering if I did something to offend this person? I mean, I’m relatively sure I didn’t injure him in any way, definitely not physically and I’m positive that he was more than willing to drop everything and meet up whenever I wanted and was very quick to respond until he suddenly wasn’t and no longer does. So what happened? Seriously. I really just… don’t get it.
And on a completely unrelated topic, a girl in an eighth grade class I subbed for recently, showed me this:
Which she claims to have made herself. I’m altogether impressed by the logic chain and overwhelmingly concerned by the level of neurosis.